Even If...

Several people have asked me how I am doing?  The honest answer to that can pretty much be anything.  There are times where I am energized and motivated and there are times where I am exhausted.  There are times where my faith is strong and times where I am frankly mad at God.  There are times where I know God is present and with us and times where I wonder why he has left us.  There are times where I am strong and times where I am an emotional wreck.  God is growing me and slowly pruning out those bad branches, but sometimes I don't want to be pruned.  I am by nature a "fixer" -- you bring me a problem and I go into the mode of fixing it, but God is showing me that I cannot fix everything and I frankly don't like not being able to fix it.  It breaks my heart to watch the love of my life experience pain that I can do nothing about or to have emotions that I can't comfort.  I am learning that I am not supposed to be her rock -- only Jesus can fill that role.  I have been collecting my thoughts throughout this process and feel like now is the right time to share them.......

When we first got back to the US, Randy and Kim Hendrix were very gracious and loaned us a vehicle for as long as we needed it.  It had a 6 CD changer in it and one of the CDs that Kim had in the mix was Mercy Me.  For the first 6 weeks or so of Chemo as we arrived at Mayo the song "Even If" was playing.  After we completed Chemo and I drove around to pick up Julie and get her in the car, their song, "We Win" was playing.  These two songs have come to speak so much to us.

I want you to pause right now and click on the link below and listen to Even If and read their lyrics as you listen. then come back here and read the rest of this blog.

Mercy Me -- Even If

This song so describes where I am at with my faith as we go through this awful thing called cancer.  You see, the things I KNOW about God don't match my feelings sometimes.  Sometimes I think, "God we gave up everything to move to Honduras to serve you -- why did we have to leave that work to come back to fight such a cruel disease?"  God has been amazingly faithful to be right here with us to comfort us and to provide for us.  Each week, we were encouraged as Julie went through Chemo with very little side-effects compared to what it could have been.  Then we get to the surgery, and praise God for the news that the surgeon was able to get all of the cancer visible to the naked eye, but it was overwhelming everything they had to do to accomplish that.  Then she progressed after surgery so well that we were so ready to get back to chemo and finish this fight, BUT she got a Urinary Tract Infection and had a pretty bad reaction to the medicine.  From that point to now, we have had some pretty bad ups and downs (more downs than ups) where we pretty much took one step forward and three steps backwards.  She is doing better today than yesterday, but still has a long way to go to get rid of the blood clot and to get strong enough to start chemo.  We think we may be in the hospital a couple of weeks at this point, but will likely get back to a regular room tomorrow.  So as Mercy Me sings, it feels like "right now I'm losing bad".  But I do know that God is able and I do know that he can remove all of this by just speaking.  But, for now, it looks as if God has chosen to leave mountains unmoved, but He is continuing to give me the strength to say "it is well with my soul".  You see, like Mercy Me sings, even if God don't move the mountains, My hope is still in Him alone.  As Julie mentioned in her blog, one of the ways God is giving us this strength is through you.  We know so many are praying for us.  I want you all to know that though I am sure we don't see every single comment on Facebook (when our posts are shared we sometimes don't see the comments unless we are tagged in the post), we see most of them and they are very encouraging.  There are so many that it is not possible for us to acknowledge them as I would be doing nothing but commenting or liking posts on Facebook, but we read them and it blesses our soul so please don't stop the encouragement just because we don't acknowledge each one individually.  We both at times read comments and break down into tears at the amazing grace of God in how he speaks just the right thing into our hearts at just the right time through you.

The other song (We Win) that spoken to us, was more the chorus and the bridge that spoke to us as the song is really about something other than the type of thing we are going through.  But God spoke to me through the chorus that He is not done with us and He is continuing to use us and will continue to do so.  You see, God didn't ask us to give up all of our earthly possessions to go and serve Him and that is not what He asks of you either -- He asked us to give up EVERYTHING and to turn it all over to him.  So like Paul, whether we live or die, we want to be used by God for his glory.  It don't mean that we don't struggle with how He is choosing to use us, but our lives are his vessels to pour out in whatever way best accomplishes his will and glory.  The following lyrics of this song is what has spoken to me so much.

It's not over
Don't give up, don't throw in the towel
Just remember who you belong to
Let Me remind you how this ends
We win, woah, we win
We win, woah, we win
Hey, no stopping us
He's not done with us
We are more, more than conquerors

We walk by faith not by sight.  You see, if we walked by sight we would waver.  My feelings and my sight are sometimes weak, but my faith is strong and unwavering.  I have never doubted that God can remove this.  I have never doubted that he loves us and will do what is best.  The only "doubt" I have had is whether it is actually in his will to remove this or how or when.  Only time will provide that answer, but in the mean time he continues to grow and shape us into what he wants us to be.  He continues to grow compassion in us.  If I am totally honest I have to admit that sometimes I don't feel like reading his word or talking with him, but he gives it to me anyway through a song or a comment, or a person sent to pray with us or a phone call.  Oh, I don't know how anybody could experience this and not KNOW that God is real and that He loves us and is there with us every step of the way.  He reveals his presence in so many ways.

There is a saying that is popular with people that have fought the fight against cancer or have loved ones who have and it is "cancer sucks".  Yes, cancer sucks, but sin sucks even more.  Sin is even more deplorable to God than cancer is to us.  I think cancer gives me a glimpse of how much God hates sin -- he hates sin so much more than I hate cancer and I couldn't imagine how much that is right now.  God can love infinitely, but He can also hate infinitely.  As Pastor Mark said this morning, we will all live forever.  I hope you choose to live in the presence of the love, honor, glory, mercy, grace, and eternal worship of God, who is worthy of our praise and not in the presence of his absolute wrath for eternity.

To His Glory,
Ben