Lost in the Middle

Help.
I'm Lost.
Can you help me find my way?
I'm searching for this person.

But,
I have discovered something.

She's gone.

And I am
Lost
while looking for
Her.  

         -Julie Agee

Have you ever gone through something so much bigger than yourself that you aren't sure what it is you are doing?

Well--that's exactly where I am.  I am wondering, searching, crying out.  I'm completely lost.  Lost to the person who was, and certainly lost to the woman who will one day emerge from this battle.  (I'm kind of anxious to meet that woman--I think she will be a powerful force.)

I'm in the difficult part of the battle.  One step forward, two back.

There are moments in the "middle" of this battle that I'm over-whelmed, moments of pure joy, moments of contentment, moments of chaos, moments of discerning, moments of weakness, and moments of unbelief.  It's just where I am.

It's not necessarily a horrible place to be--ask any butterfly if they ever skipped the chrysalis stage before becoming the new creature.

But it's in the middle of the battle when the warrior gets weary. The enemy is roaming around looking for your weak spots.  Looking for places to gain a stronghold.  And you are hanging on.  Sometimes even going through the motions.  (One day this week--it was a few minutes by minutes.)

Even in all my lostness--Jesus has been right beside me.  He has not let me drown in my sorrows, nor has let me stay searching incessantly. (The new me is still in development--not ready to emerge from the battle.  Let me clarify--if God were to instantaneously heal me and allow me to step into my new role--I would, but I have the feeling I'm on the path of the butterfly--I'm struggling in the chrysalis for the moment.)

Let me tell you how Jesus has shown himself to be right here with me.

1)  The scripture:  God constantly puts His word in front of me.  Sometimes it comes from my quiet time with Him, sometimes it comes in a card, text, or message from you guys, sometimes it comes from songs, and sometimes it comes through a prayer being prayed.  However he chooses, he makes sure I keep His word in front of me.

2) His encouragers: All of you out there.  I can't tell you how uplifting the calls, visits, e-mails, texts, and cards/packages in the mail all encourage me to keep fighting another day.  I love yall so much!

3) Your Prayers:  Daily I get a message from different people telling me that this group is praying, or their family is praying, or their church is praying.  All of these prayers going before the throne, that will make a girl's heart just shine.

4) People:  Do you know how many "strangers" have stopped me in grocery stores, craft stores, Mayo Hospital, etc.  I have been prayed over in the aisle of Hobby Lobby, Walmart, and in a Hospital room in Mayo.  Different people who crossed my path and were obedient to stop and pray right there in that exact moment.  Bless obedient servants of the Lord who are His messengers of hope and faith.

Without these gifts from God, this lost woman wouldn't know how to keep in the battle, but He keeps sending you to me.  Oh how that just ministers to me.  Because there are times in my "chrysalis" when I begin to feel sorry for myself, or I take my eyes off of God and I focus on the problem staring me in my face.

My recent surgery has been such a struggle.  Waking up to hear all that was done to my body was shocking.  I was prepared for most of the changes, but removing my spleen was a total shock, and so was all of the blood that has had to be given.  Also, I am now having to learn to live with other changes that I was hoping to avoid.  My body is a testimony to God's Power.  I HAD A HUGE, VERY BIG, SURGERY.  God is healing me and I am on the mend.  I've had some set backs (UTI, and major sickness due to a medicine), but I'm believing I am continuing to heal.

Right now I'm ok with being Lost and yet still looking.

It let's me know that I'm still in the fight and it gives me hope that God is still working in all of the details to bring about this new woman.  Can we ever go through these events and stay they same? Of course not!  I will never be the Julie before cancer again.  All I can do is pray that I am open to the changes that God is up to in me though this experience.  A couple of years ago I studied the book of James with some other women.  Some of my favorite verses are  from James 1:2-4  "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

You see I've lost myself, and I'm on the journey to find this woman who God is creating.  And you are on this journey also--thank you for holding firm with me on the bumpy roads!

Julie
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The above was written by Julie a little over a week ago.  She has gone through even more battles since then, but her message is still spot-on so I decided to go ahead and publish it on her behalf.